Part 1

Sebenarnya saya nak menunggu masa yg betul-betul sesuai before I make the official annoucement (note: bila dh betul-betul dlm zon selamat). Saya mengambil iktibar kisah yg lepas dimana we were excitedly had announced awal-awal about my pregnancy tapi diakhirnya the pregnancy had to be aborted. Tapi apakan daya saya..hanya Allah Maha Mengetahui. Tak sempat saya buat announcement yg the family bakal expanding..saya kini menulis tentang satu lagi kehilangan.

I had successfully been 10 weeks pregnant and takdirnya kami hanya dapat menjaga nya sehingga 10 minggu itu sahaja. Dr Asmah had given me the heart breaking news yesterday when I had check up. Nothing could be done since we had done what we are capable of. Reasonnya tetap sama seperti miscarriage yg lepas-Chromosamal problem.

Balik dari hospital, saya masih lagi blank...panic memikirkan D&C yg perlu dilalui 2 Feb 2010 ini..tapi sempat ke pejabat menyelesaikan tugas-tugas yg penting sebelum mula bercuti. Hati sebenarnya menangis meratapi satu lagi kehilangan tapi saya kuatkan semangat. I know I can handle this and I know I can be strong.

Back from the office, before starting to do my assignments, I searched the internet..I googled up what news I can get about the problem. Tapi it is like saya persoalkan kuasa Allah swt pula. Saya berhenti bertanya apa salah saya..tapi saya kuatkan semangat dan kuatkan percaya saya pada Allah itu Maha Mengetahui.

While waiting for the time to go to Pusrawi, took my time to release my anxiety in here. I dunno why is it that every I have to go to the hospital, the anxiety will creep in. Tak kisah le berapa banyak kali pun, the flutter in the stomach will not stop. Tak tau punca sebenar...samada I associate hospital with bad news (of course la coz every time gi sure kena injection nye) or it simply because it is HOSPITAL..huhuhu...

Hari ni ada one appointment lagi with Dr Asmah. Hopefully semuanya bagus-bagus aje...penat la sebenarnya nak menanggung berita dan cerita yg kurang bagus aje.

Oh well, since masuk rumah baru, I didn't post any pics of it eh? So semalam ku gagahi juga amek gambar (My sis dah tak pelik dengan kakaknya yg tetiba amek gambar umah..hahaha). I tell you..umah ni memang kosong la sebab barang-barang pindah pun masih tak bersusun..al-kisah bila weekend samada ada kelas or balik Taiping je keje nye..bila masa nak sempat mengemas tak?

Ni bilik study (dlm plan tulis bilik kerja-apakah mereka nak suruh kami bekerja hatta di rumah sekalipun???) tapi ampunkan la barang-barang lambakan tu ye..huhu.
Ni pula family hall. Tempat melepak sekeluarga..tengok tv and buat kerja. Nak ku letak carpet atau tikar tapi tak sempat nak gi membeli lagi.

Ni pula meja makan di ruang makan...8 seater nye table..hahaha...dlm rumah ni ada la 3 orang kan..This is my ave place to do my work, study..sebab saya tak suka buat kje dalam bilik keje itu.

Ni living hall..kerusi yg kat family hall tu kami angkut letak kat sini sebab hall nye besar..memang la nampak kosong aje..senang aku nak vacum ye..

Kesimpulannya dalam sehari tu if nak bersihkan satu rumah mau la makan sepanjang hari...gambar-gambar bilik dan bilik air takleh la masuk...tu baah akta privasi dah..

I'm suppose to be focusing on my assignment to be submitted today but I just can't. I have few things in my head which I have to let out so that I'll be calmer. I restrained myself from bursting out and lashing out my anger up to the point I feel it is really pressing my chest.

I am a simple person..a straight forward and transparent in my thoughts and wants. If I like something then I'll say I like it. If I feel I had wronged someone I will say I am sorry thought it was not my fault. If I hate something or someone I will say I hate it. I don't go and beat around the bushes. It's the same when I think I am right...I will say I am right and if you think I am not then tell me directly to my face!! not keeping it and then do it. Oh my...that sure will make me explode.

Same thing with giving opinions. I have rights to express my opinion and I have rights to question anyone who denied my opinions... If you can't accept it, then just say so. I have every right to be able to express and do anything or everything I think appropriate. I hate it when anyone pointedly ignore my opinion and suggestion althought it is the right one!!

I never ask for anything impossible. I think I had been really accomadating with lots of thing. I deserve to be treated with more respect than I am being given at the moment. I have no qualm to just simply walk away one day when I think nothing is changing. Don't forget....though I forgive and forget easily..I am a cold hearted person when I choose to be. Then..nothing could stop me from walking away. Nothing at all.Remember that!!!

Oh dear...my first impression yesterday was like...alamak!! banyak nak kena recall and revise back ni...and today..it was like, OMG!!! where am I? lost between the words coming out from Dr H. I feel like I am in the blind...I don't know if I alone yg rasa cam tu..and if I alone yg rasa macam tu then habislah...memang totally hopeless la macamni. Kerjanya tak la complicated mana tapi sangatlah perlu banyak membaca..and read and read and have to be rajin, hard working and patient..huhuu.

Sehabis kelas, we (I, Hubby, Kak H and R) terus menuju ke book store di Ikano. Sebelum tu since kelas Dr H ni memang takde break dari jam 0900 hingga 1 petang...memanglah kelaparan tak hengat. So we singgah to Kluang Station to makan-makan dulu. To conclude, more work and initiative are needed this semester.

p.s Adam beritahu my mom, "Adam nak balik ikut mommy". Harus dia menangis meraung next week if kitaorang tinggalka dia kan. Nasib baik memang dah nak ambil dia next week..huhu.

Bukan...bukan saya bercuti panjang atau kurang sihat (ada la sket but that is so not the reason) ataupun dah bosan dengan dunia blog ni (sungguh saya sangat ternanti-nanti waktu lapang untuk bercerita dlm blog saya). Tapi kerana saya akan sibuk menaikkan semangat nak buat assigment dan sudah kesuntukan masa untuk siapkan assignments saya ye sebenarnya. Janji saya nak score four flat sem ni pada hubby kena tunaikan walau macamana sekalipun sebab dia kata no excuses are accepted (tapi dia yg sedang duduk disebelah saya sekarang ni mengatakan tidak..cheh!!). Walaupun saya rasa bukannya ramai pun yg melawat ke blog ni, saya tetap nak beritahu yg saya akan stop berblogging BUAT SEMENTARA WAKTU ini demi masa depan pelajaran saya (aduh..ayat skema ye). See you all when I'm done with the assignments yg membukit menggunung tu. Take care.

Talk about mundane office life days ago..huhuhu...anggap saje saya menarik balik kata-kata riak itu ye. Sesungguhnya saya telah mendapat angin-angin sibuk (tempias-tempias) sejak semalam tapi tak berapa sedar..tapi hari ni bila dah membuat lawatan 'courtesy calls' merata-rata..badan pun sengal-sengal..otak pun sendat dah susun jadual itu ini..baru sedar..hahaha..siaran terlewat. Hari ni juga I tried to use a different route. .hehehe..tu pun jasa baik stafku yg menunjukkan jalan. Nak harapkan diri sendiri..tak sempat la nak try cari. Rasanya I'm more comfortable with this newly found route...kurang traffic light and kurang lubang untuk ku langgar. Keta pun dah berkeriuk berbunyi (memang la tak tahan nak dengar) sebab jalan berlubang sampai tak daya nak elak dah.

And how I wish I could concentrate on the assignments...alangkah bahagianya. But, whenever I start to open it..ada je keje lain yg interrupted. But I'm giving myself a timeline until tomorrow to start working on everything. Half of my day hari ni pun dah habis dengan courtesy calls..then balik pejabat sibuk prepare untuk meeting pagi esok. Owh...tujuan courtesy call ni adalah untuk mengenalkan diri kepada pihak-pihak yg berkepentingan..hahahaha..

Overall, kerja sekarang sangatlah berbezanya dengan my work dulu...now I need to plan, deliberate and execute semua program atau apa yg berkaitan dengan tugas aku sekarang. I also need to control, take care of and manage my human resources. Walaupun perkara biasa tapi cara dan budaya kerja sangat lain. Since my passion is teaching, aku telah volunteer to teach English for SPM..hehehe.Bukan takde keje cari keje tapi better buat kerja yg aku suka rather than orang bagi kerja yg bukan-bukan yg aku tak suka...betul tak?

Adam is at kampung..taken care by my mom...and I do miss him so much that I have to call him everyday just to hear his voice...up until my phone is barred from making phone call or sms. Padahal bill baru je settle..so must be the credit limit. I was offered to add more but I guess no will do...entah la..though it's for my convenience but then at least I should put a certain limit kut to my calls and sms. Of course la hari ni terpaksa bersabar tunggu balik rumah baru boleh call Adam who usually is the person who answer the phone. So, if you call my parents' house, don't be surprise to hear a small voice greeting you with "achemekum".

Last week was a hectic one (and my appology to Kak Ana and family for not being able to attend Alil and Akil birthday party) to us. We had to go to Nilai to get the curtain before 8 pm so hubby drove like mad in the rush hour to be there on time and then we had to hang the langsir to every windows in the house (thank God they already put the hook). I think I had slept on my feet waiting for hubby down the ladder..huhuhu...that degree of penat tau. Then, we push off early in the morning ( I took my shower with my eyes shutted) to Lumut in order to be at Taiping before noon. When we were done discussing about the house grill (mahal seh besi sekarang), terus zoom balik Taiping. Owh...the wrought iron grill tu terpaksa dilupakan (hukhukhuk) athough pattern dah pilih. Hubby said we'll have to make do with the biasa one first..ada rezeki lebih then tukar. Harganya half of the wrought iron nye je tau (gulp!!mahal ye wrought iron tapi cantik).

I can't find the suitable words to describe my happiness and contentment to hug my son and to see him infront of my eyes...and he seemed very happy to see us. My mom said dia merajuk last week when we went back. So this week I really explained to him that I have to leave him with Tok until the end of this month. After that we'll bring him back with us. He said ok but he wants to ride the train, plane and bus.....ha??? Since we planned something similar to what he wants so I said yes..ok. Adam ni..the type yg ingat what you promised him..so kenalah mommy and daddy tunaikan.

But today, when I open my eyes...I know that my heart is missing him so much...I miss you little one, miss you so much my angel.

Venue: Hospital Pusrawi

Time: 1000H

Doctor: Dr Asmah Yun

I: Assalamualaikum

Dr: W'salam (hulur tangan and salam).Sihat hari ni? Happy?

I: I'm fine Dr..happy je.(Dalam hati-Saya serabut sebenarnya)

Dr: Okay.let's see your progress...up on the bed. Scan tak nampak la..we have to do through down there nampaknya.

I: Ha? takde cara lain ke?

Dr: Kenapa? You jgn takut..sekejap je check.

I: Err..sakit tak Dr?

Dr: A bit discomfort but I try my best to be very gentle with you.

I: Errr..I ni memang fail bab pain managemnet Dr.

Dr: Ketawa...fail ye..macam ni..you tarik nafas...hold..and then exhale..repeat until you feel calm.

I: Bab macam ni inhaling exhaling tak berkesan dah ni..

Dr: Tak sakit la...jgn risau.

Seterusnya adalah discussion about my health which I can't reveal here la for sure. Got one more jab in the butt (tu pun cringed bagai macam apa lagi) and enough pill to last until next appointment. I know, I know..you guys must be wondering what happen kan (ada ke?hehehehe). Tapi sehingga I'm sure about it and doctor is able to figure out what, when and how...let's wait with doa for me supaya semuanya just fine and dandy. Insyaallah.

Though gambar-gambar ni takde kena mengena dengan cerita in this entry...I post it simply because I miss the little guy.

He could sleep anywhere provided he has two things.
His bottle full of formula and mommy or daddy.

Can hardly smile with the coldness..beku.

My head is spinning like the top..fast!! Terlalu banyak perkara yg menyesakkan digestive system...(literally speaking la). Masuk minggu ke-3 ditempat baru ni, I'm beginning to get the rhythm, the style and the perception. For me yg selama ni hanya mengajar dan dealing very closely with students, perubahan suasana kerja agak mencabar. Before this, kerja kita memang mengikut schedule yg ditentukan...kelas mana, what subject etc., but now, it's all up to us. Sampaikan masa minggu kedua, I walk around trying to find what I can do to occupy my time. According to the others yg dah lama berada disini, masa sekarang adalah masa yg agak tenang tanpa aktiviti yg banyak...when the busy time comes, nak ke toilet pun tak sempat (kata orang la).So, I try to work out my own plan for my department. Trying to give more for the organisation...English class for beginners, tuition, ceramah, motivational talks, road shows.

Apart from that, life macam biasa. Adam masih di kampung and we miss him a lot. I try to reduce his longing for our presence only to find dia sebenarnya tak kisah pun staying with my parents (kecik hati mommynye). Hubby is busy as ever and I still can't find the time to tidy up the house from all the things since hari pindah dulu. Masih tak sempat nak put all those things yg tak digunakan dalam store. The curtain yg ditempah maybe boleh dapat hari Jumaat ni so we'll have to go to Nilai after work la on Friday. Then, on Saturday..boleh la balik menjenguk our beloved son yg sedang bergumbira di kampung tu.

Study pula...sejak balik dari meeting with Kak Has and Raihan semalam, rasa seram sejuk tak hilang. I missed the first classes since I was on mc so banyak sangat yang nak difahami dan dibuat. Nak cerita pun takut..

My hope is that I'll get through all the hassle just fine and still able to find the time to get proper rest as I need that. Macamana ye? Proper planning? no more procascinate which I love?..hehehe...or get help?

Happy Anniversary Skot Garuda 19/2003!!!!

I think it was only yesterday we were together soaked with sweat and tears forward roll for about 2.4 km. And I still feel it was only yesterday we cheered heartily during the parade...and it was only yesterday we mourned the loss of our beloved friends.

Sure time flies kan? We never will have such close brotherhood or sisterhood anywhere else. The bond that tied us forever.

May the year to come will bring success and beautiful things in our lives. I love you all.

Kalau nak ikut kata hati, nak aje aku timbunkan bantal tinggi-tinggi tutup muka, then amek comforter selimut badan dan tidur...tak nak berfikir, tak nak merasa, tak nak hadapi realiti yg menunggu dihadapan. But I am not a quitter and I'm not going to start becoming one now.

Rasanya hari ni emosi dan keupayaan memproses maklumat semakin deteriorated. Tahap keyakinan pun makin merosot. Nak mengharap...takut apa yg diharap tak seperti apa yg aku impikan. Nak berputus asa...takkan nak biarkan apa yg kami usahakan hilang macamtu aje tanpa usaha...Ya Allah...adakah kami ni mampu hadapi dugaan yg besar ni hingga Kau berikan kepada kami?

Sungguh...tahun 2010 bermula dengan dugaan maha besar untukku.

It's been day 4 in the new year for me to start the first ink of 2010. Sungguh kesuntukan masa mengemas barang-barang di rumah. Dah siap kemas, nak unpack lagi barang-barang di rumah baru. Kerja packing dan unpacking ni memanglah meletihkan...sebab dah naik jeluak mengadap barang-barang yg masih banyak nak unpack tu, kitaorang tinggalkan dulu barang-barang and gi tengok wayang. So, setelah lebih 3 tahun meninggalkan our past time activity tu, kami berjaya menonton citer The Imaganarium of Dr Parnassus. Nak komen citer nanti tak best la pula for those yg belum tengok lagi. Hubby nak tengok Storm Warrior asalnya tapi since we went to The Curve yg cinemanya taklah besar mana, citer yg dihajati tu takde. Yang lain pulanya penuh jadi tengok la citer mana yg ada (sebab memang dah cakap nak tengok wayang walau apa pun).

Dah tengok wayang and cuci -cuci mata kat The Walk, we headed home before I realized kasut sukan tertinggal di PD sedangkan hari ni ada Physical Training...aduhai.Dalam sibuk-sibuk mengemas, boleh la terlupa benda penting. Hmm..tu la kan..patut buat check of list supaya takde barang yg tertinggal. Lepas beli kasut sukan kat Kedai Bata (Belilah barangan buatan Malaysia..hehehe), we went home and walaupun baru jam 9 malam, penat dan mengantuknya macam dah jam 11 malam.

Oh, masa melepak di The Walk, we saw one couple ni...sebab dua-dua sedang merokok dengan rancaknya tak peduli asap rokok diaorang tu tempias kat baby dalam stroller kat belakang diaorang tu...memang tak peduli la pada mata yg menjeling. Yang perempuan ni, rasanya Melayu la kut jika tengok air wajah..tapi tengok cara berpakaian yg cam kain buruk terkoyak sana sini...macam bukan. Yang lelaki ni pula...gamaknya subang yang si perempuan tu dah terlampau banyak..dia pun amek la sket nak letak kat muka kut bagi le hensem muka sememeh tu. I memang tengok dan diam jelah...dah memang kebanyakan pengunjung ke situ macam tu...tapi my hubby ni biasalah... I just concern bila orang merokok at public places where ramai orang yg tak merokok berada disitu especialy babies la. If orang lain boleh respect the need to smoke tu..pergilah kat tempat yg secluded sket untuk merokok...kesian la kat secondary smokers yg tak pasal dapat penyakit sebab asap rokok tu. Sensitivity masyarakat Malaysia ni la yg masih ditahap zaman batu lagi I rasa...entah bila la nak maju dari segi bab ni..