Salam Idul Adha semua,

For the first time , kami beraya tanpa ibu dan ayah. Apa rasanya? Sunyi dan sayu. Apalagi bila mendengar takbir...ingatan jauh melayang pada mereka yg diketika ini berada di Araffah mengerjakan Ibadah Haji. Though we are glad, ayah ibu dipanjang umur dapat mengerjakan rukun Islam yg kelima , ketiadaan mereka sangat dirasai in which merupakan ingatan pada kami tentang pentingnya ibu dan ayah. Bagaimana jika mereka benar-benar telah meninggalkan kami suatu hari nanti...pergi yg tak kembali? Kuatkah hati? kuatkah semangat?
Semalam we get to talk with ayah dan ibu. Semua sekali berpeluang mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya pada ayah dan ibu. Ceria dan berbunga-bunga dihati bila dapat mendengar suara dua insan yg amat kami sayangi. Cuma adik yg terkelu dengan sebak tak dapat bercakap lama dengan ibu. Mungkin dia yg paling bongsu dan sangat terasa ketiadaan ibu ayah. Seperti kebiasaan kami..raya selalunya lebih banyak di rumah dari keluar tanpa arah. Jika sebelum ini, Raya Haji kami sambut di Kedah sebab setiap tahun, tokwan akan buat korban dan kenduri...tahun ini sepi kerana tokwan juga berada di Mekah. Jadi we already decided to celebrate it at Taiping. Kawan-kawan rapat ayah ibu ada dan opah di Pokok Assam juga ada...begitu juga dengan Pakcik Mat di Kuala Kangsar. Tapi so far sebuah rumah pun belum kami kunjungi. Setakat waktu entry ni, kami masih sibuk menguruskan rumah yg lama ditinggal. Menguruskan minum pagi dan makan tengahari.
Kesimpulannya, Raya Haji tahun ini serba sederhana dan setakat ini belum ada pics yg menarik untuk dikongsi. Maybe untuk entry malam nanti lebih banyak cerita dan gambar yg boleh dikongsi.

Bila bercuti, niat hati nak buat macam-macam le. Dari se basic kerja sampai ke se complicated kerja di plan. Masa belum bercuti, bila hari-hari ke pejabat, terasa macam, "If cuti ni mesti banyak benda dah boleh settle". Taaapiii...bila dah cuti, dari se basic keje sampai ke se complicated keje satu pun tak siap..apa cerita?

Bila mommy cuti, automatically Adam tuned perangai dia yg memang exclusively for "Holiday Mommy". Meaning, manja dia extra 3 notches, meragam dia extra 2 notches, attention craved dia extra 10 notches. Nak marah memang la penat je marah sebab Adam pandai buat attitude, "Do I care??" huhuhu..what he cares ialah mommy gives undivided attention to him..waahaha. So apa yg telah elok di planned, satu pun tak menjadi you. Apa yg jadi ialah satu keje I have to do and redo at least for 2 times..bila I menyapu, dia pun nak tolong, so segala habuk dan sampah berterabur balik and I have to repeat the same thing. Sama la if buat apa kerja pun kat rumah my parents tu (since I balik bercuti ke Taiping this time around). Niat Adam sangat baik..nak tolong mommy so I taklah scold him for doing that although mommy penat bagai la nak ulang siaran buat kerja.

I planned to check the student's assignments since coursework mark dah nak kena submit before 30 November tapi when I opened the lappie and start reading, my beloved little angel tu pun sibuk la nak tengok cd...nak tolong mark the paper. Alahai sayang..if only you could really help mommy to read all the assignments and give my students mark for their work..I'll be very glad to let you have the lappie.

This morning when I hantar to his sitter, dia tanya..."mommy work ke? Mommy pakai baju work! Mommy cuti tak?" Dia dah tahu differentiate bila I keje and when I am not.Bila pakai uniform means mommy goes to work la. If not mau meraung bagai nak rak kena tinggal tu...

Tapi betullah cakap my friends, the time spent though is very tiring and frustrating, it is fulfilling and precious. What Adam's appreciates are very simple and basic...attention, love and care (though mommy ada juga tinggikan suara now and then)...tapi sangat la menguji kesabaran mommy...my dear precious little angel!

The day start off beautifully. I woke up early to prepare my hubby's uniform since he has a very important meeting today while he mixed our breakfast drinks..pretty much a routine during weekdays. Then when he went to work at about 0530, I checked my emails, prepared my bag and Adam's things. At about 0700, Adam woke up and took my handphone on the dresser and demanded to play 'car'. So..I opened the game application and let him play it while waiting for me to get dressed. Adam is a morning person...unlike me who is most of the time grouchy before my first coffee (notice hubby mixed my coffee at about 0500?) so he rarely cry or whine when I woke him up though he is still red eyes sleepy...what's the point of me telling you guys this? oh well..it'll come up soon...

I noticed nothing until I get Adam to his sitter, finished my last lecture for this semester and went to my office...then...when I checked my handphone for any messages and calls (since I often silenced my hp during class)...tadaa....there were several messages from hubby, students and one message which put a very big question mark in my head...kenapa this guy send me a sms? apalagi yg dia nak? Appearently, this ex bf sent me message just to ask me why did I call him this morning? Errr....call him? not in my triliiion year ye. Then I checked my outgoing call..yup, true enough, I DID CALLED HIS NUMBER...which I thought I had it deleted years ago. Then baru teringat yg I baru saved all the numbers in the sim card to the phone.So his number surely di saved sama la. I had his number deleted years ago and was very surprised to see his name appeared on the screen. So I replied his sms to say sorry for my son's behalf since obviously Adam yg called because he used my handphone this morning. My thought was to make it clear that I did not make the call...tapi dah berpanjang pula isunya. He told me (through sms) yang I ni emak yg tak bertanggungjawab sebab bagi hp to my son sebab tak nak bagi my son menangis..as something to play with to distract his mind la..then keep on insulting with accusation after accusation. Well, pantang I if benda tak betul and orang yg tak de kena mengena cakap macamtu..

All in all, I realize with a huge relief...my hubby is way too good if compare with this guy yg dulunya I rasa paling perfect and memahami I. He also said he will not forgive me forever for what I did to his life...apa yg I buat pada hidup dia???Tak faham la...he said he is married, then???lain la if pasal break off dengan I terus jadikan dia seorang gay yg hanya bernafsu pda lelaki kan? Then surely rasa bersalah sebab sorang lagi umat Islam tunduk pada godaan syaitan kan? Lagipun, dia siapa tak nak maafkan seorang manusia lain? Even Allah swt ampun sebesar-besar dosa umat nya...takkan la dia ingat dia...(fikir la sendiri ye). Dia terlalu sempurna ke sampai takde langsung dia kata ada salah dia?Semuanya salah I and semuanya dosa I la this thing terjadi??? yelah, semuanya dia blame on me sebab I was the one yg left him...ego yg besar sebab dia claimed tak mudah jatuh hati, tak mudah tunduk pada perempuan hancur berderai la.

I don't know whether dia 'rajin' nak google my name and surely this blog will appear or kawan-kwan or saudara-mara tolong cari ke apa ke kan.Tapi if you (lelaki yg saya ceritakan ni) baca blog I ni....Sesungguhnya saya sudah melupakan awak dan apa yg terjadi. Dulu, saya masih terasa 'sakit' kerana terpaksa membuat keputusan yg memisahkan kita tapi rasa 'sakit' tu dah hilang dengan rasa sayang dan cinta saya pada lelaki yg ada dalam hidup saya. Makin hilang bila awak menunjukkan 'diri' sebenar awak semasa krisis melanda. Suami saya yg sepatutnya lebih marah dan sepatutnya jadi lebih tidak rational pun tidak berkelakuan seperti awak. Dia memafkan awak dan saya dan menganggap semuanya dugaan dari Allah. Tak pernah dia keluarkan kata-kata kesat mengeji dan menghina awak dan saya. If not because your sms pagi tadi...saya sudah tidak mengingati awak..sekelumit pun tidak. Malah, rupa awak pun saya dah tak ingat dan tak nak ingat pun.

I already move on with my life....sudah lama.Awak bila lagi ye? Sudah-sudah la simpan perasaan pada saya. Saya dah jumpa my soul mate la awak...so please go away okay.

Few pics of Adam and my sister having good time at the beach. Layan jelah entry gambar...kepala serabut nak berfikir banyak.

I think last week was the pinnacle of my busiest schedule so far. Blame on last minute tasks, blame on procascination, blame on myself..blame on the mood...but yg salah still diri sendiri la sebab masa ada waktu yg terluang, tak nak gunakan sepenuhnya. Masa zaman undergrad dulu, crashing tu perkara biasa...tapi yelah, masa tu takde anak, suami, rumahtangga, belum bekerja maka last minute macamana sekalipun, assignment dapat siap on time. Tapi bila try crash this time around...aku yg burnt.hahaha. Jgn la cuba lagi next sem..harus tamat je study aku dapat high blood pressure pula nanti.

This week minggu SPM examination bermula. Paper English will be on the second day of the exam. I think I had prepared my students well tapi tak tahulah macamana. If based on the trial result, ada banyak improvement dari last year tapi semuanya bukan kuasa kita kan? Tried my best to go through several posible questions and harapan I as a teacher, moga dapat membantu my students menjawab dgn betul dan yakin. Officially kelas dah takde but we're still around untuk membantu mana-mana students yg masih lagi need help. Ramai juga staff yg takde, because menjadi Pengawas Peperiksaan. As I already decided last year will be the first and the last time I jadi Pengawas...tahun ni I nak minta cuti. And after all the hard work, I think I deserve a break. After all, selepas Raya Haji ni I'll fly off to Langkawi for the Langkawi International Maritime and Aerospace Exhibition 2009. Balik je dari Langkawi terus ke Institut Terjemahan Negara for 2 weeks transation course. Balik je dari ITNM, terus ke Genting Highland for family day. Then, proceed to Melaka for Gunung Ledang expediton. Memang padat dah jadual hujung tahun...in which honeymoon yg diplan terpaksa la ditunda next year. Tunda lagi...rasanya dh banyak kali tunda..apa nak buat..if I tak sibuk, hubby pula yg sibuk. So kita cari la masa yg sesuai nanti.

Finally, my farewell seem real when they organized the farewell hi-tea for us who's going out and those who already went out. How time flies...the unpacked boxes are still at the store room, untouched since it were moved from Lumut 2 years back and now we are going to move again.

Mula-mula kita makan dulu..

Then dapat hadiah

Lastly amek gambar ngan bekas-bekas student yg dah jadi staff.Dulu mampus takut dengan I.Sanggup wat u-turn if nmpak I dari jauh...cari nahas la if terserempak dgn I ek..hehehe.

This morning, Adam hitted his mak usu's head with the hardcover book. Melayang depan mata je buku tu kena tepat kat dahi mak usu...sesungguhnya sakit tuu...coz mommy ni dah berkali-kali kena ngan buku tu (harus I simpan buku yg bahaya tu after this), tau la tahap sakit when buku tu melayang tepat ke dahi. Meleleh air mata usu...sakit la tu. I asked him nicely at first to appologize..dia boleh buat tak faham you...temper temper..then I asked him whether it's his fault or not..tau apa dia kata..tak!!..Naik sket temper ni...i asked again and this time around suara dah not so nice dah..Adam pun buka mulut seluasnya dan waaaa...menangis meraung cukup. Sebab dia refused nak minta maaf..I left him in the house (mak usu ikut I keluar) and keluarkan my car from the car port...apalagi..makin dasyat raungan dia. Then I masuk and ask him to say sorry to mak usu. Kali ni dia tau mommy tak main-mainnye serious so dia pun sambil paut kaki I (takut I tinggalkan dia lagi la tu), cakap,"Adam sorry ucu".Nak tergelak juga tapi tahan...asal dia tahu bila dia salah dia kena minta maaf and apa yg dia buat tu dah terbukti salah..cakap apa pun takpe la dak? Bila dah salam ngan mak usu,serta merta tangisan stop and terus pakai kasut and said, "Bye bye ucu..Adam gi dulu".

Betapa la kuat lakonan anakku ini..hahaha.mommy and daddy dah tak pelik tapi if orang yg tak biasa sure cakap, tadi beria menangis meraung..kejap je dah ok?Adam ada perangai yg sangat predictable and since ada iras-iras perangai mommy, I know how to handle his tantrums very well now.

Then, after bawa dia beli nasi lemak and kuih, I drove him to his baby sitter house, along the way dia nampak something;

Adam: Mommy..tu (pointing at something)

Me: Mommy tak nampak..apa dia?

Adam: Tangki air.

Me: Tangki air untuk apa?

Adam: Isi air la.

Me: Hehehehe..apa la mommy ni kan.

Adam: Hehehe (ketawa terkekek-kekek gelakkan mommy la tu)

Me: Air boleh buat apa?

Adam: Mandi. Adam mandi pagi tadi dengan air...mommy mandi adam.

Me: Selain dari mandi?

Adam: (buat aksi berenang)..ni, ni..

Me: Tu apa tu?

Adam: Berenang.

Me: Owh...ye ke?

Adam: Haah, Adam berenang kat laut dengan usu. Best..mommy bawa.

Me: Lagi, selain dari mandi and berenang, air untuk apa?

Adam: Ape?

Me: Untuk miii...

Adam: (ketawa) num..tuk minum.Adam minum susu sedap...mommy buat susu.

Me: Pandaiiiiii Adam.

Adam: Ketawa seronok.

Priceless........

Bilik ke 3 dan ke 4 sama size..ngam ngam cukup katil dan gobok. Master bedroom.

Living hall

Tangga dan ruang bawah tangga

Dry kitchen (budak kecik yg interframe tu tak termasuk dalam kontrak sewa ye)

Sebelum mencetus pertanyaan, better I inform awal-awal ye..these are not the pics of our house kat Lumut tu. Ni sekadar nak mengenang 'kerugian' menyewa rumah yg tak pun diduduki (yet).Kenapa? panjjjjaaaaaannnnnggggg cerita dan sakit hatinya. Rumah ni kami sewa di Setia Alam. Terasa macam duk rumah sendiri juga sebab rumah brand new. Ownernya baru je dapat kunci dan terus sewakan sebab pemilik rumah sebenar (anak kepada owner ni) sekarang bekerja di oversea dan kata emaknya..'macam lambat lagi nak balik'. Kami pun baru je mendapat kunci dan sedang plan hari bagus untuk cuci rumah dan shopping perabut lagi..hahahaha..I cakap dengan hubby, meh la kita shopping kat IKEA je..kita penuhkan satu rumah ni dengan perabut IKEA..hahahaha..mau tak buntang mata bos besar tu dengar cita-cita bini tersayangnye tu. "Mana mau campak perabut kat rumah sekarang yang?" "Ala..kita lelong je harga runtuh" balas si bini sambil disambut dengan mata juling si suami..hehehe.

Memang la kami akan bershopping perabut secara besar besaran hujung tahun ni tapi bukanlah untuk diisi ke dalam rumah sewa ni. Disebabkan rumah kami di Lumut tu terbiar je sampai naik hutan sekunder (akibat amek rumah corner lot dan owner pemalas tanam pokok), dari dibiar kosong tak menjana apa pun selain hutang bayar rumah tiap bulan je...kami akan jadikan sebagai project homestay for sesapa la yg nak bercuti ke Lumut atau Pangkor. Sementara nak buat paper and business plan (keje hubby I malas amek tau), my keje is browsing tengok iklan kedai perabot..hahaha..kerja paling best. So, sesapa yg nak ke Lumut dengan family ramai, dan tak nak rugi sewa hotel beribu-ribu..boleh la sewa my house tu. Iklan akan dinaikkan sebaik semua dah settle dan lengkap.

p.s. Entry lepas geram dan sakit hati hanya I and hubby je yg tau.hukhuk.

Last Thursday, the whole world..US Military and Government especially were shaken by the turn of event..by 'ultimate betrayal' (according to several Texas newspapers) in one of the biggest Army base set up at Texas, USA and most strictly guarded. Yeah, the shooting spree that took 13 victims last thursday by all was a shocked when the shooting occured inside the base vicinity and the gunmen was one of the Officer of US Army. For someone yg pernah berada di dalam persekitaran US training facilities, I boleh cakap yg the security level setiap base sangat ketat...especially to Muslim after the 11/9 tragedy. Jadi, when someone from the inside yg membuat durja..mesti ada something wrong kan? When I read the Dallas Daily, the writer insinuated that Maj Nidal was a good officer but being accused of being a devout to Islam. Pelik kan? apalah salah jika taat beragama sekalipun? Yelah..maybe if the 'killer' is someone called Johnson ke Smith ke..it's not that sensitive. Tapi kerana Nidal adalah seorang muslim, ianya menjadi satu provocation. I was trained at Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio, which is about 3++ hours journey by car but been to Fort Hood for official visits and trip. I went there at the height of all prejudices against muslim and seriously...when semua orang pandang you because you were the only one yg pakai tudung...and treated you with cautious...you tend to be self concious. Maybe itu juga yg dirasa oleh Maj Nidal although he is an American citizen..apatah lagi apabila menunggu masa untuk di deploy ke Iraq..to go against the muslims. Of course the conflict was too much even for the shrink himself. In CNN, the Nidal family said he complained about being treated differently and once his car was scratched because he had the 'Islamic' bumper sticker. Maybe he just snapped like most people as reported...we don't know kan?

Tapi for someone yg pernah mengikuti latihan disana, if we have no patient and easily offended, memang susah nak sesuaikan diri. I still remember of being asked the reason I wear tudung at one of the drug store. When I said as a muslim, I have to wear it as it is ordered for every women of age...then I was asked kenapa ramai muslim perempuan yg lain tak pakai pun tudung if I dah kata wajib..so in order not to offend anyone yg might heard me..I cakap la..dalam mana-mana anutan agama pun ada yg devout and ada yg tidak..sama juga dengan Islam. Nak bagi orang luar faham budaya kita dan pegangan kita agak sukar sebenarnya tapi tak mustahil. I still made friends all over the world although they feel 'segan' dengan I. From the Arab's point of view..if perempuan pakai tudung ni kiranya perempuan yg sangat alim so diaorang tak la treated me like they treated our muslim friends from other countries. If terserempak dengan I usually they will greated me with salam walaupun I tak kenal rapat since ada yg bukan satu batch with me. The staffs pula ada yg respect our believes and ada yg kurang...tapi I took it as lumrah manusia la.

Apa yg berlaku dengan Maj Nidal adalah diluar pemahaman kita. Mungkin dia sendiri tak dapat mengawal 'sakit hati' nya lagi...who know? Tapi, satu yg tak mungkin I lupakan is di pandang dengan penuh sinis semasa di Colorado Airport untuk transit.

I had this conversation with someone few days back. Memang tak letak as early entry coz biding my time to ask for hubby's opinion. Karang orang kata syok sendiri pula kan...so better tanya orang yg takkan tipu for the sake of ambil hati...haaa..my hubby kan, if I put on weight ke, muka naik jerawat ke, if I ask him, he will say, yes, you dah tambah berat la yang or haah, muka naik jerawat banyak pula sekarang...confirm tak tipu hanya untuk amek hati..huhuhu..

So, this person said to me that I look like someone yg memang takde masalah...dan mesti best hidup I kan sebab takde masalah. And then this person went on by saying dia nak sangat jadi macam I...whatever jadi pun cool aje handle everything. My oh my!!! I myself tak tau nak clasify ni sebagai compliment ka, statement ka, luahan rasa ka...sungguh I terkedu. So after this person finally stop dia nye rambling about how perfect my life is and how lucky I am...I went on saying and explaining that, I do..like a normal human being, ada masalah. I am also not so lucky with so many things but at the same time lucky to have few meaningful things. My life is not perfect as dia viewed. I had gone through so many hurtful events through out my life and a bit of ruffle of problem memang dah tak freak me out. I won't lash out my worries or problems at the office..which mean, masalah di rumah kekal berada di rumah and masalah pejabat will remain at the office. If I bring the problems back and forth...I don't know how will I do my work as an Army Officer, as a teacher, as a Ketua Panitia, as a Ketua Jabatan, as a Ketua Kompeni, as a wife, as a mother, as a student and as a daughter and sister in my family. Sometimes I do feel so stressed out with works and with family matters but takkan nak shirk the responsibilities every time kita langgar dinding kan? Nak tak nak kena figure it out how to go around the obstacle if not go through it rather than ignore the looming obstacle yg takkan kemana.

Dulu, masa I was the undergrad student, banyak betul dugaan yg datang...even masa my earliest years working pun. Bukan sekadar conflict diri tapi terlalu banyak yg datang at one time. At that time, I learnt how to be strong and how to stand on my own...even now, my own best friend yg stay together with me cakap, If I happen to kehilangan dia, I still will be able to look ahead and goes on with life but if anything happen to me..dia pun tak sure whether dia boleh..

So to say, obstacles in life, blunders that you make, bukan untuk kita rasa hidup kita tak sesempurna orang lain, tak segembira orang lain...tapi for us to take it positively and move on. Lagi banyak cabaran, lagi kuat semangat kita. So, for that someone yg memang baca my blog ni, I am not perfect..and I do have my own problems and worries...but it doesn't mean we cannot smile, being nice to peoples, be happy and be positive.

Yesterday evening bawa Adek kecik and Adam ke Teluk Kemang. Kesiankan Adek Kecik yg maybe terasa lagi sedih dengan ketiadaan ibu dan ayah dan also hati sendiri yg gundah...macam-macam yg ligat berputar dalam fikiran. I was amused by their antics playing with the wave. Oh, I should say that Adam finally had the courage to play with the wave and soak himself wet voluntarily. I was entertained watching them. Nasib la rumah dekat je dengan pantai so balik rumah basah-basah pun tak la sempat kesejukan. Then, maybe disebabkan keletihan mandi, Adam tidur sangat awal..hehehe..much to mommy's delight. Maka malam tadi sempat la I vacum bilik adek kecik yg agak berhabuk tu dan settle the laundry. Ala, setakat settle spin dry and sidai je since hubby dah tolong basuh. While waiting for the washing machine to finish working, sempat la download gambar dari camera to my lappie. Ada banyak gambar yg tak sempat di downlod since masa memang limited. Gambar-gambar ni diambil masa hantar my parents ke Kelana Jayaand although dah tak dapat jumpa, we still went to KLIA to bide goodbye..even my aunty from Putrajaya also came down to meet us. It was raining...sama macam kami, hati masing-masing yg menangis..

Looking at the jemaah from the glass...searching for mom and dad at Menara Tinjau, KLIA.
The day was hot at Kompleks Tabung Haji, Kelana Jaya.


Adam imitating his tok.."Adam jgn nakal"

My sweetheart posed for the camera.

Alhamdulillah my parents dah selamat tiba di Madinah semalam. From the sms sent by my dad, cuaca agak panas but they are very happy. Yelah, hati mana yg tak gembira bila dapat jejak kaki ke bumi para anbiya' kan. Walaupun perjalanan awal ni penuh dengan last minute changes, apa yg penting, my parents selamat mengerjakan ibadah haji dan umrah nanti.

Few days yg lepas, memanglah kami adik beradik sibuk menguruskan barang-barang ayah ibu dan juga kenduri doa selamat. Rasanya since kenduri bertunang dulu, ni la second 'simple' kenduri yg sangat meletihkan...walaupun guna khidmat katering. My parents ada ramai kawan-kawan and although tak ramai saudara mara yg dapat datang (hari bekerja untuk sedara mara di Kedah), kawan-kawan baik ayah dan ibu la yg tolong-tolong uruskan. Until today, badan baru start nak recover letih yg baru terasa.

But yg paling menyayat hati (for me la) when my dad told me to take care of my siblings on his and my mom behalf and if anything happen to them, I'll be the parents and I have to be responsible for them. Although my sis masa tu dah teresak-esak dah, I tetap maintain control la konon but when my dad cakap je macamtu..laju air mata mengalir.

Never before we are not without them...never before we experience the feelings...never before we have to return to empty house...seriously, heart wrenching.

Whatever pun, we hope our parents will be protected by God mercy from any harms and semoga mendapat haji yg mabrur. Amin.