We have been together like..5++ glorious years, and yet he has issues with me watching movie without him. Bukan dia menghalang but he feels left behind..sort of la..haha. So, bila hubby called and I was at the cinema, he was like, "Owh..tengok movie tak ajak"...and my response was, "Ajak pun dapat balik ke?".

I know he is missing us, and the civilized world since dia dah terperuk kat desa ku yg terpencil di Sud Kivu tu...and nothing we could do to help him ease off his wariness...sorry my dear. I think the only thing that cheer him up is the sceduled patrol he has to do...kesian hubby saya tu.

And since my course is going to finish soon (alhamdulillah) and puasa is just around the corner..I know there are so many thing he is going to miss...especially my cooking la sebab usually I will cook (unless I'm not well) throughout Ramadhan...hehehe..perasan kejap.

But the feeling is mutual..nothing seem right without hubby. I'm not worry about how to pay the bills and whatnot but the comforting presence of him itself yg matter. The only person who could understand me, who would listen without prejudice and who would advise with the sincerest heart..as much as you miss us dear, we miss you all the same.

p.s I'm counting the day to see Adam now.

It's a wonder we are given this weekend off but I do thank Allah swt for his mercy. Tired as we are now, we do need a break..no matter how short it is.
Since next week dah tamat kursus (and the torture of course), minggu ni I decided to go back to KL instead of Taiping (walaupun saya sangat rindukan Adam). Rasanya if balik ke Taiping, dengan tahap keletihan dan mengantuk saya ni, mesti lah 8 jam baru sampai kerumah.
Sebab utama saya tak balik ke Taiping was because I was given 2 jabs early friday morning because of elergic reaction. Memang lalok habis la masa bawa kereta dari hospital ke kem tu. Dah dua hari kena alergic baru sempat nak kehospital (and then kena marah dengan Dr sebab tunggu sampai 2 hari). Ye..saya sibuk sampai terpaksa abaikan alergy saya yg boleh membawa maut...but then I know how far I can go without having to go to hospital...yg pergi hospital tu sebab dah sampai limit la tu. And yes, I am alergic to the hormon they injected to chicken yg kita makan tu. I am suppose to eat Organic Chicken or Ayam Kampung only...tapi yelah, tengah kursus..takkan nak demand bagai kan.
Sampai kerumah (KL), fetched my sis from LRT and after maghrib keluar dinner. Mata dah berat nak buka. Pagi sabtu, disebabkan my sister merengek nak tengok The Sorcerer's Apprentice, gagahkan juga la gi teman dia tengok movie kat Cineleaisure. Nasib tak seramai di Mid Valley. And since I tak tengok lagi Eclipse, budak berdua tu kenalah teman kan I tengok movie tu.
And since dah kat situ, niat nak window shopping la kat IKANO...and coincidently AUSSINO tengah sale..huhuhu...I terpaksa okay..terpaksa beli..wahaha. After AUSSINO incident tu, terus heret 2 org lagi tu (sebelum they decided to continue shopping lagi) dinner and terus balik..
Awal pagi, saya bangun with terrible headache..huhuhu...mesti sebab badan dah super tired ni.

I love to blog, especially when I'm under duress..blogging work well in maintaining my sanity (sometimes)...but time is my biggest opponent right now. For me (I'm not sure about others though), whenever I sit and write my story of the day (or even the day after), I usually calmly will structure my words in order to build the whole block of story, and there are times when I just write without really thinking but only feeling...ehmm..okay, there goes my ramblings.

As the course I am attending (and suffering silently along the way) is coming to the end, in which is a bit surreal..hahaha. And don't stake your claim yet saying that it'll be less demanding and I have more time now than before. Only those who had gone through this course would know that as you come nearer to the end of the course, you'll have less sleep and rest than before..and I'm not pulling your leg when I said I could sleep while my hand is cutting a paper. The tiredness is so much so you can't describe it through words. My sleeping hour routine had change from 1200pm-0500am to 0500am to 0600am starting from last 2 weeks. Just that this gonna be better next week as the Ex-OP START dah habis..Alhamdulillah.

Another 17 days to go...macam tak lama but saya rasa sangat lah lama lagi nak habis..sampaikan yesterday (Isnin) pun saya dah ingat hari Rabu..huhu..sungguh kronik perasaan nak habis kursus ni. Siang bawa ke malam bawa ke pagi bersengkang mata di Ops Room..tidur pun hanya 2 jam sehari. Ni belum lagi sampai ke fasa Command Post Exercise (CPX) lagi ni...in which akan bermula this Thursday for 2 weeks. And dah confirm lagi tersurat yg 2 minggu ni saya takkan dapat balik menjengah Adam sebab weekend akan dihabiskan disini.

Semua pegawai yg attend this course akan melalui routine dan perasaan yg sama...kiranya standard assessment la. Walaupun dah tahu dan dah prepare for this..nothing could prepare yourself from feeling depress and tired. Especially when you're Commanding your peers. Bukan senang...

Saya dah planned for a holiday dengan Adam after I finish this course but it depends pada activity pasukan juga..and whether I could apply for leave. Saya nak berehat dan manjakan badan dan anak saya after I abused my body for 3 months. At first nk tunggu hubby balik dalam bulan Sept ni tapi hubby said he has another plan..hehehe...as usual la..in our house..we could only plan..samada tercapai atau tak...itu belakang kira. Tapi saya nak ajak anak teruna saya pergi petik buah strawberry nanti...tak sabarnye.

I was sick last week and nearly lost my voice to the non stop coughing.. As my practise to call Adam everyday..on the day I was really sick, he called me instead (he asked Tok to dial my number of course).

Adam: Mommy sakit lagi?

I: Ye..tapi dah ok la sekarang.

Adam: Mommy makan ubat tak?

I: Makan.

Adam: Mommy kena makan ubat..nanti cepat baik.

I: Baik Adam.

Adam: Ok, mommy jaga diri tau.

Hubby is not around but I have Adam...though only 3 years old..his understanding of life is quite impressive. I cried when he told me to take care of myself...I'm suppose to tell him that, aite?

Mommy love you so much Adam Muqriz.

Resah hati saya hanya saya dan Allah sahaja yg tahu. Kerisauan saya is confirmed dengan berita yg saya terima awal pagi tadi...suami tercinta saya akan posting ke South Kivu, Southern part of DR Congo..bersebelahan dengan Rwanda. Selama hubby tiba dengan selamat disana, my worry faded away by the possibility (and my wish) that he'll be posted to Kinshasa. Sebab ada few Malaysian there as it is the HQ. Saya agak senang hati under my worry since ada 'orang kampung' yg boleh membantu. But bila ke South Kivu or Sud Kivu...dia berseorangan bersama Armed Forces from other countries. Bukan saya tak pernah melalui pengalaman tu..berseorangan di tempat asing but situasi saya dan hubby memang berlainan.

Resah hati saya takkan hilang..until hubby saya pulang ke Malaysia dengan selamat. Ya, doa sya memang tak pernah putus..mohon perlindungan dari sebarang bahaya. Saya rasakan...saya belum cukup kuat untuk diuji dengan dugaan yg lebih berat.

Saya dah tak mampu menangis..hanya hati sahaja yg mengeluarkan air mata...dengan beratnya rindu yg saya tanggung untuk seorang anak dan seorang suami..dan berat tanggungjawab saya untuk melunaskan suku lagi perjalanan kursus ni.

Siapa yg pernah berada ditempat saya pasti faham...walaupun orang mengira duit yg bakal dibawa pulang oleh hubby setelah pulang dari Misi..saya rasa..duit itu tak membawa erti untuk saya dan Adam. Duit itu tak mampu membayar harga pengorbanan kami untuk ditinggalkan..dan hati yg sentiasa resah. Bukan saya bongkak atau hipokrit menidakkan kepentingan duit..tapi jika diberi pilihan...kami tetap memilih untuk bersama. Rindu yg kami tanggung...tak mampu dibayar.

I've been thinking a lot..and no wonder my brain feels so tired though it is only Monday..and my whole body is aching with flu, fever and cough...terrible. Of late, I feel so down and sad..up until I feel so empty inside. My best friend is too far away for a good comfort hug and my little best friend is away too. The misery of those few days...and it got me thinking of why..and why?

I lost our baby last February..which was heart wrenching and emotionally draining..and then I was ordered to attend the course..and at the same time, hubby went to Congo under UN Mission. I always believe that everything happen for a reason..and Insyaallah for my own good. And now I see...the reason behind all those tears, heart break, emotionally disturbed experiences and whatnot. If I'm still pregnant, I'm going to be delivering by August and of course..hubby will not be around..in which, knowing my previous experience with Adam...I will wish hubby is around. And then I will not attend this course...in which, actually prepare me to adjust to life with hubby far away slowly. The way Allah plan it for me is so beautiful..I do feel sad for crying...because I have no reason to cry. I feel grateful for that...only I do pray that Hubby, Adam and I are always under Allah swt protection from any harm.

I am dead tired dari last 2 weeks lagi..ever since the exercise started. Bukan exercise that require you to jog around the football field or the one you do with your trainer at the gym tu..this exercise will require you to write your war plan for 8 hours (about 26-28 pages) and then transform your writing onto the map in which will take another 3 hours to finish. So, one phase of war will take around 11-12 hours to plan (only plan okay)...and war has 4 phases. Rajin tak nak do the math? Well, all in all we have to spend around 44 hours++ to handwriting the plan. Kenapa tak guna computer kan? Dah ada kemudahan..dunia dihujung jari pun nak guna old school punye approach..kenapa? Masa perang if takde electricity camane nak buat plan? Kena handwriting juga kan? Kiranya itu latihan penyesuaian la...hahaa...this is my assessment and deduction on the Course Of Action ye (Askar je kut yg faham ni..hehehehe...).

Dah 2 phases completed...yg menanti are Defense and Withdraw aje ni but rasa azab tu..fuh!! Sampai sunburned dah my face..pakai whitening serum pun dah tak berguna lagi dah..

Nanti mesti ada yg tanya lagi...saya ni askar ke? Camane badan kecik je jadi askar? Ye, ye...saya ni askar..tapi saya bukan askar perang..front liner...Infantrian...saya cuma support from afar je..wahahaha..sejauh BMA mungkin? (again...maybe askar je faham ni). Tapi bila dah askar...kursus askar kena la attend..and sebab kursus yg sedang saya attend ni saya dah ingat-ingat lupa(ada belajar masa GO tapi camane bleh lupa??hahaha...), maka banyak la yg perlu saya buat if compare with others.

This morning we did Attack Appr at Hill 47 (location cannot be revealed), dah penat menulis sampai bengkak jari, kena present la our plan tu pada Directing Staff...nak decide whether our plan is workable or not...huhuhu....susahnya ye...tu la..ingat perang ni setakat kejar and bunuh musuh je kan?Rupanya tidakkk..