Random Rambling from a disturbed mind-but not crazy

I already typed the entry but I forgot to save (dang) and I went out just for a minute and the battery was out by then...there goes my lament in the...errr..in where I also dunno.

If anyone ask me how did I celebrated my being 32 of age in this world (Alhamdulillah thank to Alah swt) yesterday...I would say I had a bizarre, unbelievable, bitter and heart wrenching moment celebrating it. We were (hubby, my brother and I) at one dark alley down at Penang...waiting and waiting for the uncertainty. I think I had one glass of nescafe tarik kurang manis to toast to my birthday. Hubby's wish was met with a plastic smile...I tried to smile but it tasted sour...so I didn't even tried to do it. I laughed bitterly when a friend sms-ed her wish and said maybe I was out celebrating my birthday...owh yeah..it were pretty much like it but under totally different circumstances.

I can't tell much about it but the pain will always be remembered.

One thing that gives me reason to smile is Adam (as he always be my reason of happiness). Lately he refused flatly to wear diaper. By saying "Adam dah besar la..tanak pamper dah." My oh my...penat my brain fikir way to potty train him...rupanya my baby dah realize that dia dah 'besar' to wear diaper. Befor this ada la tekucil here and there but as for last 2 days..he even went to bed without diaper and succeded by not wetting his bed..Congratulation Adam..mommy is so proud of you.

I had a dream...I walked back and forth, endlessly to the dead end everytime I came to the end of the road..I had a very long walk, exhausting and confusing. I asked everywhere and everyone but nobody could help me...only to realize that..it was not a dream but a bitter reality I have to face and deal with. The dream I thought to be just a dream has become a nightmare that haunt my sleepless night...tossing and turning..thinking and plotting...

What was suppose to be a celebrating day had turned out to be my darkest...heart wrenching and painful reminder that no matter what...family must stick together.

I pray for the nightmare to be chased away by a silver of light....and our loved one will be safe from any perils.

That was it for my birthday present.

Malassss...nak balik ke PD. I think I won't be this lazy if I have Adam and hubby with me during the course(Obviously la kan). Sekejap la pulanya rasa hujung minggu ni...and yang paling seksa for me every week selain dari exam yg non stop tu ialah PT pagi every Tuesday..wohohoho. Seksa badan, jiwa dan perasaan. Each step yg dibuat, I have to convinced myself that..I'm doing this tortourous exercise only to be slim and fit...otherwise I won't be able to finish the 3km run..rasanya 3 km or more la kut...can't be precise sebab dah penat sangat..and since Uni years, I never (repeat..never) nodded off during class but after a 'good exercise' (our SDS said this), nak buka mata during the class tu take very amount of self control and determination..tu pun terrr..lelap juga sometimes. That indicated yg badan memang super tired.

I think entry pasal cerita lain memang takde la untuk dibaca in my blog ni until I finish my course...hahaha..boring kan but that's the reality of it. Nak bercerita tentang perkara lain memang dah takde dah sebab baca newspaper pun dah tak pernah dah for 3 weeks ni.

Adam pula every weekend I balik memang 'manja' overboard la. Nak ke dapur pun minta berdukung...then in order to tarik my attention..whenever I talked to hubby or sis..dia buat perangai nakal dia la so that I notice him..kesian anak teruna tu. Agaknya if possible dia tanak I cakap dengan sesiapa kecuali dia aje so that I can give him undivided attention la gitu. Dengan daddy yg memang kamcing pun boleh dia buat gaduh sebab mommy sibuk bagi laporan lisan kursus and tak layan dia main...aduhai..makin besar makin macam-macam perangai anak I ni. Ada yg buat I senyum and ada juga yg buat I berkerut muka marah.

Next week cuti panjang..and we plan to go back to Taiping. Rindu sangat pada my parents..my mom pun kesian dah akap lama we all tak balik..ampun la anakmu ini Ibu..minggu depan Insyaallah kami balik ok.

Ni kedai favorite Adam untuk potong rambut..dah naik RM 1 dah upah potong rambut..hailah..dia suka datang kedai ni sebab dapat potong rambut sambil naik flying scooter. Seronok aje bila mommy cakap "You need a haircut".
Another cuti at home with my sweethearts. Balik petang Jumaat semalam terus ambil Adam...masa drive dari PD memang dah mengantuk sangat. Minggu lepas banyak bersengkang mata preparing for test and examination so sampai je di rumah terus landed kepala atas pillow..zzzz...but kejap je sementara tunggu maghrib. This week saya rasa badan dah boleh adapt dengan my condition..nap petang tu dah boleh membawa saya untuk berjaga sampai jam 2200..hahaha. Last week lepas maghrib dah 'hilang'..so ada la perubahan minggu ni. Hari bercuti saya gunakan untuk berkepit dengan 2 orang jejaka hansome dlm hidup saya..maklum 4 hari lagi nanti sekadar mendengar suara dan ber sms sahaja. Rutin kemas, cuci rumah tetap la kena buat just that petang ajelah boleh keluar berjalan together...for today tak tahu lagi mana nak dituju..will decide later. Hari ni memasak lewat sket since hubby and Adam dah siap makan kenduri di rumah my hubby's friend. I tak ikut dah la..ambil peluang kemas rumah dan cuci balkoni.

Balik semalam, after a long drive from PD, picked Adam from his baby sitter and fetched Awanis at Dewan Perdana Felda, I simply can't open my eyes anymore. After maghrib, hubby sent Awanis for the annual dinner and sent Ain to her friend's house while I dah tidur langsung tak dinner. Even pagi tadi pun I slept sampai la dekat nak lunch baru bangun masak. Rasanya selama 5 hari tak cukup tidur tu sebabkan my sleepiness bila weekend.

Hari ni tinggal la kami bertiga je di rumah..my sister gi holiday ke Cherating. Walaupun tempted juga nak ikut tapi mengenangkan hari ahad dah nak kembali berjuang, terus tak jadi. Petang tadi after we sent Awanis to the Hentian Duta, we went to search for my shoes. So on the way tu, we had this discussion:

Adam: Kita nak pergi mana mommy?

I: Jalan-jalan la.

Adam: Kita pergi hotel la.

I: Pergi mana? (nak comfirm I tak salah dengar).

Adam: Pergi hotel la..apa la mommy ni.

I: Pergi hotel buat apa?

Adam:Makan nasi.

I: Pergi hotel makan nasi?

Adam: Ye..pergi hotel, Adam nak makan nasi.

Hubby yg tengah drive dah tergelak dengar. Weh..tinggi betul taste kamu ni Adam. Sampaikan makan nasi pun nak ke hotel. We all sampaikan tak dapat bercakap lagi sebab ketawa. Adam sekarang makin banyak idea. Seronok diajak berbual..ada saja benda yg refreshing. Memang tak sunyi walau berdua je dengan dia. But ada masa sangat sensitive when we laugh at any of his chatter...like sedih la orang ketawakan dia...but sekejap aje selalunya. He is so adorable..hehehe..mommy juga sayangkan kamu Adam (sebab dia cakap Adam loves mommy..daddy tak..hahahaha).

When I think I have it though when I am working and doing my master...I never know how this course is tougher than the two commitments combined. To breath in scheduled, smooth running and sedate programme is impossible. Hari-hari memang packed and nerve wrecking. Only the first week je rasanya agak lega sket.

This week (Minggu ke 2- I keep counting you) ada 2 graded exam and 3 open book tests. Belajar subject yg tak familiar langsung dalam hidup ni for few hours and then being evaluated with an equally difficult questions memang rasanya dah menyebabkan my hair akan bertukar jadi macam Storm dlm X-File tu. Nak tambah perisa kesusahan lagi tak? Haa..jawab soalan tu 4 jam tau tapi masih ada yg tak sempat dijawab..huhuhu. I'm not sure whether I ni ter over pandai sampai banyak betul jawapan yg nak ditulis sampai tak cukup masa or memang buta langsung sebab tak pandai select jawapan yg betul..hahaha...take your pick.

The maximum packed activities buat seminggu rasa sekejap (chewah). Yelah, mana risau takut flunk exam lagi, nak balance the time dngan macam-macam jenis activities yg nak kena buat...buat tidur malam ku setiap hari hanya 3-4 jam sahaja. Ini baru first term...ceritanya dari batch yg lepas-lepas, masuk aje 2nd term..tidur maybe (jika dapat tidur la) hanya 1-2 jam sahaja...itupun bertilamkam peta dan berbantalkan manual MAP itu la..hahaha...bagai tak sabar aje..

On a different note, saya menulis entry ni sambil-sambil...start menulis dari petang tadi sebelum sukan..and sekarang baru nak masuk chapter conclusion (jam 1940). Petang tadi syndicate (syndicate ni macam kumpulan kecik dari kumpulan yg besar la) saya main bola untuk final match...players meang semangat terutama penjaga goal la...tak sampai pun 10 min game, masa striker dari kumpulan lawan nak strike, goalie saya dengan lajunya telah menerpa kearah bola dan kami yg berada diluar padan boleh dengar tulang patah...huhuhuhu...ye..penjaga goal syndicate saya akan menjalani pembedahan kerana patah tulang (shin bone I tatau dlm bahasa..huhu). The guy yg berbaju putih duduk nombor dua dari kanan tu la orangnya. Terus stop game and we were reminded supaya jgn main bola ala World Cup lagi lain kali. So pleasepray for our friend speedy recovery..jgn la hendaknya di RTU (Return To Unit)...amin.

Since hari pertama melapor for the course, I do want to update BUT...the limited free hours of the day caused niat suci murni tu terbantut macam tu aje. I'm still alive, breathing and quite well actually but with the vigorous exercise (please remember dah 3 tahun I tak bersenam secara bersungguh) telah caused my body to ache all over. Seriously, rasa nak bend pun azab sungguh. Yang agak bestnya, dalam 4 hari ni aje, badan saya dah ringan dan baju serta seluar dh longgar..hehehe. Maybe hingga tamat kursus, saya dah boleh kembali slim (hopefully la).

Rasanya entry mengeluh saya baru je saya post and dah sampai entry happy nak balik bercuti hujung minggu dah esok..yea!! Hari yg ditunggu-tunggu sejak dari hari pertama lagi akhirnya dah sampai. Saya dah rindu kronik dengan Adam ni..(termasuk la daddynye). So, harapnya cuti hujung minggu takde masalah le (finger cross).

Nak bercerita tentang seminggu ni macam takde apa sangat since apa yg dibuat, belajar dan redah cuma hal-hal dlm kelas. Belajar tulis surat, belajar carta organisasi..tu je. Maybe next time la ye.

Eeee...rasa menyesal pula saya sebab setuju nak attend course ni. Sesungguhnya saya rasa berat je nak bertolak awal pagi esok. I told my hubby while dalam kereta masa balik dari MidValley beli barang-barang (lagi..hehehe) yang saya rela ke pejabat dengan kerja yg banyak dari pergi berkursus ni...huhuhu..

Nak berjauhan dah satu perkara (walaupun saya sedapkan hati saya will be away for only 4 days aje seminggu), nak mengubah routine pun satu hal yg sangat besar. Selalunya dah biasa memberi arahan...dan dah lama punya freedom and flexibility bekerja..nak menjadi student yg terikat dengan jadual waktu dan aktiviti yg dirancang oleh admin..bukan mudah rasanya.

Selama 2 hari saya mengemas barang-barang saya. Tak banyak yg saya bawa pun sebab setiap hujung minggu saya akan balik ke rumah (jika tiada aktiviti lain la) so mana yg perlu saj yg saya packed. Itupun dah sakit satu badan saya dan kaki saya berjalan (shopping la culprit nye ni).

Kawan-kawan, wish me luck for this course yeah. Insyaallah will update the blog once I'm settled and not busy. Till then..tata.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAREST HUSBAND

MAY YOUR LIFE BE A JOYFUL JOURNEY WITH

COLORS OF BITTER SWEET EXPERIENCES

MARKED THEIR EXISTANCE IN YOUR

LIFE CANVAS.

MAY YOU BE THE GREAT QALIPH

TO ME AND YOUR CHILDREN

TO CHAPERONE US TOWARDS

THE TRUTH PATH

OF

FAITH

AND

BELIEF.

AMIN.

(*V*)

Mood saya sangat bleak, blackish dan gray (sesuai cuaca di luar rumah). Kenapa dan mengapa tu biarlah saya elaborate sendiri. Nanti yg membaca pun takut berjangkit mood tak berapa nak best ni..rosak hari libur kalian pula. Saya bosan then menggodek tatarias blog saya tapi hati tak berkenan so saya tukar ke asal. Terus rasa malas nak make over blog...biarlah dulu tunggu rajin nanti.

Sila abaikan gambar yg langsung lari dari mood saya ni...hukhukhuk...The Curve jom...pengubat lara.

Saya dah lama plan for this outing tapi bila dah jadi kenyataan...boleh la pulanye saya lupa flash saya..hukhukhuk...jadi adalah gambar yg diambil kurang memuaskan sebab ada tempat memang kurang cahaya sebab saya bergantung sepenuhnya pada flash function pada camera saya (sebab flash light saya terlupa la).

Bila Adam tanya saya kami nak kemana..saya jawab, "Kita nak pergi tengok light". Confuse dia kejap dengan jawapan mommynye. Hubby pula balas..."kat KLCC pun banyak lampu juga". Tapi saya cakap tak sama la dengan tempat yg nak dituju ni.

Bila sampai..ada sket rasa dismay sebabnya, punya la ramai orang. Perangai saya pula, bila nak buat kerja, sangat rasa down bila kena bersesak dengan orang. Saya rasa tak selesa betul nak berebut good angle dengan orang. Disebabkan terlalu ramai orang, saya sekadar ambil gambar and aim for good places and angle next time saya datang lagi. Rasanya if datang pada hari biasa, maybe orang tak seramai tadi (ye..saya balik je terus update blog you) sebab kebetulan esok cuti Labour Day kan.

Tempatnya (maybe ramai yg dah tahu pun) di I-City, Shah Alam. Saya tak perasan mulanya setiap kali drive balik kelas tapi bila berborak dengan fellow photographer, ada yg suggest saya kesana untuk practise skill amek gambar outdoor at night with thousands of lights. I admit la, saya masih amateur bab ni. Bila google tempatnya dlm internet baru perasan...saya memang pernah kesana and true enough, cahaya yg cantik ni boleh dilihat dari highway lagi. Tapi...saya lupa bawa flash light..arghhhhh.... Masa ni model tak bertauliah dah penat.

Myrid of colors